Where it all began…

I’m lying here on a Sunday morning and I couldn’t be happier. I woke up to an early morning romp with my darling partner and then he informs me that I can stay in bed while he cooks me bacon, eggs and hash brown. Can life get any better than this?

Let’s go back to 2007 shall we? Life wasn’t so great then. 2007, 9 years ago, was when it became apparent to my family and I that I had a problem. I suffer from anxiety. That feeling you get where your whole body sweats, your heart is pounding a million miles an hour, you feel like you’re drowning and can’t breathe and if you don’t focus you might pass out? Yeah, I get that.

It all started when I was in Maths class in year 7 and I got a detention for throwing a sharpener back to someone after borrowing it. I began crying and hyperventilating to the extent my teacher had to give me a brown paper bag. It scared me and my teacher. It sounds ridiculous to have that kind of reaction for a lunch time detention but that is the earliest point I remember having anxiety attacks.

I get anxiety in stressful and/or confrontational situations, and sometimes new places make me anxious too. In the past few years I’ve had anxiety attacks when I got caught in traffic on my way to a final exam, when my car broke down on the side of the road and I even had a mild one the day I met my partner. But I have to say, the worst one I have ever had was yesterday. It was a shock to the system because it has been over a year since I’ve had a major attack, and it scared the crap out of me. It came about because my partner mentioned to me that recently I have been down and not myself lately.

Now, I pride myself on being a happy, energetic and fun-loving person – working with children everyday does that to you, you have to be happy. But to hear that I have been unhappy and miserable for a while now really scared me. It’s not who I am, it’s not who I like being. I am a naturally happy person, I enjoy life and I’m in love.

Yesterday was a big wake up call for me and I’m glad someone I love brought attention to what is happening to me because I didn’t even realise, and that’s the part that scared me. I need to be aware of my emotions now and that is why I am here. I’ve been contemplating it for a while now and I thought to myself if I write down snippets of my life, I should be more accountable for my emotions and actions and therefore work my way back to being the person I used to be, the person I loved.

I’ll post hopefully once a week, maybe more, I’ll see where this takes me.

– A

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