I’m {not} ok.

Two simple words, “I’m ok”. Just two words that allow us to simply brush off how we are really feeling. We currently live in a society where everyone is too busy to take the time to care for others, but more importantly, people are even too busy to look after themselves. In recent weeks I have realised how important it is to take care of and love yourself. I know it does more damage by brushing it off, yet here I am telling everyone “I’m ok” when really some days this week, I really haven’t been.

 

Emotional stress can have different effects on different people. Some people get angry, some people breakdown, some people become withdrawn, some get over it quickly and some don’t. Let me tell you how I’m dealing with it. I’m not sleeping well, I find myself getting angry over nothing, I cry – ALOT and most importantly, I tell everyone “I’m ok”. Now, for those of you who know why I’m feeling like this, this post is not a cry for help. I’m coping, I’m surviving and I’m taking each day as it comes but to be honest, everything is hard work right now. At the end of the day, I know this whole situation is making me stronger, shaping me into a better person and preparing me for the many hardships that life will throw at me.

 

So why is our society like this? Why do we think it’s acceptable to not care for ourselves? Maybe I’m just not ready to tell people how I’m really feeling, under all the smiles and strong will. Or maybe I think people just don’t want to hear it. I really don’t know why I do it, yet every time someone asks me “Are you ok?”, I just say “I’m ok” or “Yeah, I’m fine”. Even if I’m feeling the complete opposite.

 

I’m one of those people who puts EVERYONE, and I mean everyone before myself. I make sure everyone is ok before I look after myself. I’m always worrying what people think about my decisions, if they want what I want or if maybe they had a better idea. But then I become conflicted, do I stand up for myself or do I take care of other people? I know I should put myself first, but it’s in my nature. I’ve been brought up to be kind and caring and it’s a big part of my personalityΒ to be nurturing and sympathetic. Looking after people is second nature to me, and that’s why I’m in the job I’m in. I get to look after people every single day. But when does it become too much? Where do I draw the line?

 

I’ll be honest. Some days I literally have a mental breakdown because of the amount of times I have given myself to someone that day. Some days I give and give and give until I have nothing left. How can that be healthy? Is that even normal? I never second guess myself when I look after people, I actually enjoy doing it, but I never realise what it is doing to me until it is too late. The amount of times this week I have thought to myself, “Am I weak?” or “Am I not strong enough to deal with this?” has actually baffled me. I consider myself a strong woman, yet this week I have felt as small as an ant. I am helping in so many ways, yet I feel as though I’m not being strong enough for the people around me.

 

Enough of the negative. Thing’s could have been a lot worse. Every time I feel myself sinking I remind myself of that. It could have been A LOT worse. But it wasn’t. Don’t take anything for granted. For all you know, it could be all gone in an instant. You never know what is going to happen. With the amount of egocentric people out there, it could all be gone in a matter of seconds. Tell your loved ones you love them. Every. Single. Day. If you need to apologise. Do it. Right now. If you haven’t talked to someone in a while. Send them a quick message to let them know that you’re thinking of them. Don’t leave anything to chance. Life is fleeting. Make the most of every minute, of every day.

 

Thank you for all of your support!

 

Lots of love,

-A.

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