Wow! Officially on Tuesday I will have been blogging for a whole year! How crazy is that!? Look at that perky 20-year-old in the photo above, who would’ve thought that she would have has such a crazy past 12 months! So much has happened. I moved out of home, learned how to manage (for the most part) my anxiety, went through the roller-coaster of life and being independent, finished my study and got a full-time job. Physically health wise things aren’t 100%, but we’ll get there like always.
I thought I would look back at my very first blog post. Personally I have learned and gained so much from blogging. I have made some amazing friends, learnt how to write better and more effectively and learnt how to express my feelings without using my blog to vent. I love blogging. It’s funny though because I have never been a ‘put pen to paper’ kinda gal, my brain moves far too quickly for my pen to keep up with my thoughts. I love that I can talk about anything and someone, even if it’s just one person, can relate to it. I’ve received some great feedback on some of my posts and others, well some I will admit weren’t my best work but who’s perfect hey?
I’m lying here on a Sunday morning and I couldn’t be happier. I woke up to an early morning romp with my darling partner and then he informs me that I can stay in bed while he cooks me bacon, eggs and hash brown. Can life get any better than this?
Let’s go back to 2007 shall we? Life wasn’t so great then. 2007, 9 years ago, was when it became apparent to my family and I that I had a problem. I suffer from anxiety. That feeling you get where your whole body sweats, your heart is pounding a million miles an hour, you feel like you’re drowning and can’t breathe and if you don’t focus you might pass out? Yeah, I get that.
It all started when I was in Maths class in year 7 and I got a detention for throwing a sharpener back to someone after borrowing it. I began crying and hyperventilating to the extent my teacher had to give me a brown paper bag. It scared me and my teacher. It sounds ridiculous to have that kind of reaction for a lunch time detention but that is the earliest point I remember having anxiety attacks.
I get anxiety in stressful and/or confrontational situations, and sometimes new places make me anxious too. In the past few years I’ve had anxiety attacks when I got caught in traffic on my way to a final exam, when my car broke down on the side of the road and I even had a mild one the day I met my partner. But I have to say, the worst one I have ever had was yesterday. It was a shock to the system because it has been over a year since I’ve had a major attack, and it scared the crap out of me. It came about because my partner mentioned to me that recently I have been down and not myself lately.
Now, I pride myself on being a happy, energetic and fun-loving person – working with children everyday does that to you, you have to be happy. But to hear that I have been unhappy and miserable for a while now really scared me. It’s not who I am, it’s not who I like being. I am a naturally happy person, I enjoy life and I’m in love.
Yesterday was a big wake up call for me and I’m glad someone I love brought attention to what is happening to me because I didn’t even realise, and that’s the part that scared me. I need to be aware of my emotions now and that is why I am here. I’ve been contemplating it for a while now and I thought to myself if I write down snippets of my life, I should be more accountable for my emotions and actions and therefore work my way back to being the person I used to be, the person I loved.
I’ll post hopefully once a week, maybe more, I’ll see where this takes me.
I realise now that a year ago I was in a big pile of denial. I told myself I didn’t have a mental illness because I thought people would think less of me if they knew. I faked my way through so many days at the beginning of last year, I am now a pro at the fake smile. You know, the one you make when you want to hide how hurt and broken you are. But now, thanks to all the love, support and guidance over the past year, I’m not a broken 20-year-old anymore. I don’t have to fake my happiness. I am happy.
So, Happy 1st Blogging Anniversary to me! I can’t wait to see what the next year brings! I am so excited!